


Jearmin's Crazy Noisy Time on Mars [crackfic I guess]

by OreoPlijetski



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, JoJo References, M/M, Mentions of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure, Oneshot, but what hasn't been spoiled by memes already amirite, i don't know what this is i'm sorry, slight spoiler for Jojo part 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 00:41:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18325217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OreoPlijetski/pseuds/OreoPlijetski
Summary: Jean and Armin arrive on Mars, and stupid crap happens, I started this at 3am and now it's 6amRated mature because sex kinda happens but it's not in super graphic detail, and language I guessYeah so there's a teensy little spoiler for Jojo's Bizarre Adventure Battle Tendency (part 2), but who hasn't been spoiled by memes already





	Jearmin's Crazy Noisy Time on Mars [crackfic I guess]

**Author's Note:**

> This is supposed to be a joke fic (because I'm incapable of writing serious stuff because it sucks when I do that), so please read this with that in mind. Idk hopefully you find this enjoyable 
> 
> Also this isn't super relevant to the fic but it's supposed to be about older Jearmin

The first thing he was aware of was the feeling of holding someone’s hand. Cold mist wafted out of the opening cryosleep chamber, and his eyes opened.

"We're finally here..."

"Yup."

Armin gave Jean's hand a gentle squeeze, and Jean returned it.

The people on board the SS Zeppeli who had opted out of cryosleep, would, in just a few moments, be liberated from the pale glare of lights and clinically sterile hallways they had called home for just under a year.

A soft puffing noise signalled their landing, and the doors hissed open. A warm, soft, yellow-gold light of the atmosphere awaited them all outside, and the passengers gladly filed out of the spacecraft.

Looking around, there was a large, glass-like dome surrounding a pristine settlement in the distance down the long and equally pristine white path before them that led down to it. There were two large areas of red Mars soil and rock flanking either side of the path like a garden.

While the rest of their companions seemed to be in a hurry to get to the settlement, Armin and Jean lingered for a bit.

"We should probably get going," Jean suggested after a little while of standing around.

"Yeah."

Jean started down the path, and did so briefly before noticing that Armin was more interested in the red earth of their new planet, and was walking over it. Jean stopped to admire his partner observing and analyzing his new world.

The blond picked up a rock, turned it in his hands, and popped it into his mouth.

"Oh god oh fuck!" Jean yelped, jogging over to Armin, "Why did you do that? Are you okay?" There was a thought in the back of Jean's mind, fearing if Armin had gotten messed up by the cryosleep in some way.

As Jean closed the distance between them, he saw that Armin had begun to pose menacingly, and that he was almost a foot taller than Jean, and suddenly buff as all hell, to the point that his muscles were straining and ripping the fabric of his shirt. It all seemed to have happened in the blink of an eye.  
Jean now stood in front of Armin, who was in a bizarre, flamboyant pose in front of him, with familiar letters looking like "ゴゴゴ" shaking in the air around him.

 

 

"Oh god...oh fuck...is that a...motherfucking Jojo reference?" Jean didn't know what to say besides that. Apart from his initial fear, he was also starting to get a boner from all the muscles Armin was showing off.

"Armin, I want to ask you something..." Jean almost choked on his words from how tight his throat was suddenly becoming. He was slightly unnerved by Armin's stance. He was afraid that there was a different person in front of him than his Armin.

Much to Jean's relief, Armin stopped posing, looking a bit confused, but towered benignly over him and waited patiently for his question.  
Jean was uncomfortable asking, but managed to get it out. "D-do you mind fucking me when we get to our new place?"

Armin blinked, and laughed good-naturedly. "Of course!" He hugged Jean and twirled around as if he wasn't carrying a whole nother man.

The now huge dude put his husband boyfriend something down and waggled his eyebrows at him. "I'm glad you asked, because it's rare that I get to top."

Jean spluttered. "I thought you liked being bottom!"

A blush rampaged across Armin's face, but he remained otherwise composed. "Yeah, I love bottoming with you, but I love seeing your face when I make you come."

Jean just about fainted.

"Come on, Jeanny boy, we need to get home."

 

 

  
  
**ᕙ(˵ ಠ ਊ ಠ ˵)ᕗ**

 

 

 

“What. The. _FAAAAAAACK_!”

Armin yelled, his now large hands planted on the wall on both sides of the mirror.

“This better not be permanent,” he huffed.

“I can't believe you didn't notice this entire time.” Jean almost laughed, but he was still in disbelief.  
Armin sighed and seemed to be calming down a bit. He wasn’t crying and shaking in his Timbs so it was all good. “So is this why you wanted to bottom?” Armin ran a hand through his hair as he walked over to their bed and sat on the end of it, and Jean didn’t fail to notice how Armin’s huge-ass muscles flexed a little.

Jean shifted against the pillows and the headboard. “W-well...you remember that business trip where you went to Florida and I was alone for a week?”

“Yeah?”

Jean sighed dramatically to hide how embarrassed he was. “Well I binged Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure during that time and I kind of uh...fell in love with Caesar. Like he was my waifu for a week.”

“So you wanted to get fucked by this anime character?”

Jean was not about to tell Armin that he jacked off to Caesar four times in one sitting, or the time he was jacking off and crying at the same time when Caesar died.

“I mean I guess. But he’s a blond hottie just like you, so what’s not to like?” He decided to exclude the fact that Jojo characters are all mad thicc boys, at least part 1 through 3. Jean started to feel more embarrassed. Armin was looking exactly like a Jojo character right now, and it was not helping Jean’s current situation.

“Agh. C’mere, Arm,” Jean grumbled.

The other obliged, getting on all fours and crawling over to Jean, giving him an open-mouthed kiss when he got over to him. It was very apparent that Jean was standing proud if ya know what I mean.

 

 

 

**( ✧≖ ͜ʖ≖) （ ´థ౪థ）**

 

 

 

Jean’s fingernails dug into Armin’s muscled back while he got fucking floored (mattressed?). The only things he could hear were Armin’s breaths in his ear, his own noises, and the headboard against the wall (damn, they don’t even fix those on Mars, eh?). He didn’t want to hurt Armin, however buff he may be, so Jean tried his best to just wrap his arms around him and brush his fingers over Armin’s undercut. Just then, Jean felt Armin hit a spot inside him that made Jean want to wail with pleasure. Judging by Armin’s haste to cover Jean’s mouth with his own, Jean figured he had just done so.

“Gotcha,” Armin panted triumphantly. The headboard was smacking against the wall so goddamn hard they almost didn’t hear the door crash open.

“Hey, you two!” Erwin’s frame filled the doorway, showing that he had a Jojo muscle form now as well.

“HELLO, SIR!” Armin yelled over the noise. Jean was getting his brains fucked out so he wasn’t paying attention.

Erwin got the memo that he had to yell to be heard over this.

“JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU NOT TO DRINK THE MILK YOU FIND IN YOUR FRIDGE, SASHA CHUGGED SOME AND SHE GREW YAOI HANDS.”

“LIKE SHE HAS AN ADDITIONAL PAIR OF HANDS NOW, OR HERS JUST GREW?”

“THEY JUST GOT BIGGER AND HER FINGERS ARE LONGER SO THEY’RE JUST YAOI HANDS.”

“THANKS, ERWIN, WILL DO!” At this point Jean was practically crying while holding on to Armin for dear life as he got fucking railed.

“Yare yare daze, these kids can’t even stop what they’re doing for one second when their senpai needs to tell them something,” Erwin grumbled as he left.

“A-ah, AaaARMIIIN!!!!”

 

 

 

**( ಠ ͜ʖಠ) ¯\\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯**

 

 

 

“J-Jean, if you were thinking of eating one of the Mars rocks to try and have Jojo sex with me, don’t do it.”

Jean opened his eyes blearily. “You okay?” He got a soft groan in response.

“I fucked you so goddamn hard my left leg went numb.” From this Jean assumed Armin had gone back to normal.

Sounds of pattering footsteps in the hallway became louder, and they recognized a voice yelling “ORA ORA ORA” as it became deafening, then fade away as Erwin booked it down the corridor just outside.

This was going to be a very crazy, noisy, bizarre settlement indeed.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you're still here you deserve a medal, thanks for sticking around and finishing this mess


End file.
